Go Go Gadget, Shitty Parties!

So I'm LFP again, (big surprise there) and happen to get a /tell from a ranger.
Ranger>> {Experience Points} {party} {Do you need it?}
Awesome, a party. I'll just keep my cool and ask the setup. Wouldn't want a bad party after all that time LFP now, would we?
Venlo>> OH GOD YES PLEASE
You have no idea how excruciating THF LFP time is.
Ranger>> 私は何を 理解しない ?
Venlo>> {Yes, please.}
Ranger>> {Gather together.} {Caedarva Mire}
So I grab food sanction, my squid sushi +1, and my empress band and head to Azouph Isle. When I get there, I get the invite, accept, and proceed to check peoples' gear. Red mage, not bad; Samurai, tachi of trials... why would anyone use that? not really bad gear besides that; Ranger, pretty good; Paladin, a bit crappy but nothing worth complaining over; and finally, Corsair,
...
.....
...is that a fucking Trump Gun?
*Venlo> why the fuck is this corsair using his AF gun?
*Nopax> I'm no doctor, but...
*Venlo> but?
*Nopax> it sounds like he has an extra 21st chromosome
Of course! That explains it all!
Not being one to put the handicapped at a higher disadvantage (in this case, losing a fanfuckingtastic thief), I decide to stay quiet and put up with it. I'm so nice.
What?
...stop laughing.
Moving on; not long into the party I notice a few things start to go wrong. And when I say go wrong, I mean absolutely retarded. And when I say things, I mean party members.
For starters, the corsair has been using evoker's roll for a long time now. Oh, no, that isn't the problem. His ailment apparently just prevents him from being able to keep more than one roll up at once. I guess I should be thankful, if he were pulling we probably wouldn't even have that.
Then again, I do like having useful party members. And his damage is ass, so I guess it can't hurt to ask...
(Venlo) Hey, do you mind giving the melee some rolls too?
(Corsair) what roll
(Venlo) Well, pretty much anything is ok, samurai, fighter, rogue, hunter, chaos rolls are all good.
(Corsair) k
Corsair uses Hunter's Roll!
Corsair rolls a 3!
Party gains the effect of Hunter's Roll!
Awesome, finally some melee boost.
...
Any day now...
...
Corsair's Double-up effect wears off.
Shit.
Oh well, at least he's starting to be of use.
Fast forward about five minutes...
(Venlo) Hey, can we get another roll?
Corsair uses Ninja Roll!
Corsair rolls a 5!
Party gains the effect of Ninja Roll!
The hell?
(Ranger) {Paladin} {Connection Lost} ; ;
Fantastic. Well, once he gets back, I notice something very odd. I pull, then get back to camp. And wait.
And wait.
And wait some more.
Paladin uses Provoke on the Heraldic Imp.
There we go.
This goes on for about three or four fights before I have to ask;
(Venlo) Are you lagging or something?
(Paladin) sry
Uh... "sorry"? I hope that isn't a "no".
(Venlo) ?
Yep.
Next fight he definately cleaned up, though. He voked when the imp was only a few feet away from him.
...then every subsequent pull the DDs would end up tanking for about 10 seconds before he voked. And what happens when a Paladin is afk for the first 10 seconds of a fight against imps?
----------
Pull.
Fight.
10 seconds later, Paladin runs up to the mob and uses voke.
(Venlo) {Trick Attack} {Dancing Edge}
Heraldic Imp: FK U
The Heraldic Imp uses Abrasive Tantara.
Venlo gains the effect of WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
You are unable to perform that action.
(Venlo) DAMMIT
----------
...almost every fight for longer than I cared to remember. All the while the samurai likes to occasionally fight in front of the paladin, the afk paladin wonder does nearly nothing except look at the screen every few minutes to see if he's near the mob, I can't do shit because of it and he makes me look bad, and we (that is, the corsair, the red mage, occasionally the paladin, and any melee in range) get evoker's roll one of the following rolls once every ten minutes or so:
Actually, I'm too lazy to type them all. Just look up phantom roll and see what kind of amazing bonuses you can get from it. And when I say amazing, I mean HOW THE FUCK DID THIS CORSAIR GET PAST THE DUNES?!
Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore.
(Venlo) hey, Kleinfelter
(Corsair) who?
(Venlo) Who else?
(Corsair) me ?
(Venlo) No, I'm talking to that jnun over there.
(Corsair) k
(Venlo) Listen, Johnny, I know your disability prevents you from being able to party effectively but...
(Corsair) huh?
(Venlo) we're really sucking ass
(Venlo) and it isn't just you-
(Venlo) You actually jappen to be the only one with a half decent excuse.
(Corsair) excuse ?
(Samurai) the exp is fine
(Paladin) how much have we made so far?
Venlo's food effect wears off.
(Corsair) about 6k i think
...are you shitting me?
(Corsair) 5k without band
.....
Red Mage>> this paladin fucking sucks
Venlo>> Really? I hardly noticed.
Red Mage>> the COR looks like he bought his account too
Red Mage>> screw this, I'm force d/cing
What the hell is this lightbulb doing here?
Venlo>> wait-
Red Mage>> huh?
(Venlo) {Ranged Attack} >> Jnun, incoming.
Venlo>> Go for it.
(Samurai) rdm d/c
(Venlo) Damn.
(Corsair) pop at camp
Ok, so, I'm running back to camp with a Jnun, there's an imp like two feet from camp, the paladin is half afk, the red mage is d/cing, the corsair is retarded, and the jp ranger is running to the staging point. That seems about right.
Paladin starts casting Flash on the Jnun.
Paladin casts Flash.
The Jnun gains the effect of Flash.
The Heraldic Imp starts casting Thundaga III on Corsair.
Did I mention I love flee?
Oops, that wasn't flee. That was /disband.
Venlo uses Flee.
Venlo's movement speed is increased.
There we go.

...thieves.

Alternate title: Learn to play your damn job.
Honestly, 90% of the thieves I see have no freaking clue how to play the game. I'm almost surprised they figured out how to get a subjob.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm a 75 thief. Yes, I am a thief. Now, I'm not trying to say I'm better than anyone else. Other people have already said it for me. But please, if you're going to take up a job that requires skill to play, GET SOME DAMN SKILL. If you ever have partied with a 75 thief who looks like he has just taken up the job, you know exactly what I mean. If you haven't, you probably are one of these thieves. They're everywhere.
Here's a story about a retard and a thief fed up with long lfp times.
Ok, so, I'm walking around whitegate, going on my 79th hour lfp. As I'm bashing my head against my monitor, I notice someone who appears to be a 64 thief. Notice I said appears to be.
He's wearing the AF... he's got a dagger... but wait...




http://images.wikia.com/ffxi/images/3/32/Rougesbonnet.jpg

http://images.wikia.com/ffxi/images/3/3d/Roguesvest.jpg

http://images.wikia.com/ffxi/images/9/99/Nomad%27s_Mantle.jpg

http://images.wikia.com/ffxi/images/0/06/Wingearring.JPG




His gear is ass. Being the kind, reasonable, patient person that I am, I decided to educate said thief on proper gear choice.
Venlo>> Excuse me...
Thief>> wut?
Great. English is his second language.
Venlo>> Well, I was looking at your gear and...
Venlo>> Well, it's shit.
Damn. I should really look into that not being an asshole thing.
Thief>> gtfo
Venlo>> Thanks, I try.
Venlo>> Why do you use your AF head and body?
Thief>> bc its the AF, SE made it 4 thfs
Venlo>> SE is fucktarded.
Venlo>> No job's AF is good except for maybe paladin.
Venlo>> And pup, I guess. but that's only because everything they can equip is shit anyway.
Thief>> r u trying 2 tel me 2 change my gear ?
Venlo>> No dipshit, we're having a tea party.
Venlo>> As a fellow thief, I highly recommend that you get some better gear.
Thief>> gtfo
*sigh* Just keep your patience, it will mean one less retard in the thief community.
Venlo>> Attack earrings would do you better good than agility, and amemet mantle costs about half as much as nomad's mantle.
Thief>> go away or ill call a GM 4 u harasing me
Did he just say... GM?
Venlo>> Really?
Fun, fun, fun.
Thief>> I jsut calld a GM 4 harasment
Several minutes tick by as my faith in humanity plummets, and finally I get a tell from my favorite GM friend, [GM]Embub. Except replace friend with dumbass. And replace GM with brainless.
Well, as I have my conversation with said brainless dumbass, it becomes relevant to me that a monkey could do a better job than this piece of crap. (Note to self: consider becoming GM to dominate Vana'diel.) I pretend to acknowledge everything he says while plotting a friendly adventure with my great pal, the thief.
Venlo>> Hey.
Thief>> wut?
Venlo>> Sorry for being an ass earlier.
Thief>> np
Venlo>> Would you like to camp an NM with me?
Wait for it...
Thief>> sure!
Ding!
Venlo>> Alright, meet me in korroloka tunnel.
Thief>> morion worm ?
Venlo>> No, these are much better.
Thief>> kk
Anyhow, I grab my warp cudgel and a silent oil head to korroloka with my favorite thief friend, and we work our way to (G-9) of the 4th map. For those of you who don't know what resides at (G-9) on map numero fouro, it's my favorite NM. Well, NMs. There's three of them. I personally like to call them Bruce, John, and WHATTHEHELLIMBEINGEATEN, but most people refer to them as Jammer Leeches.
Venlo>> Alright, these are them.
Thief>> sweet, lets fight
Bait.
Venlo>> Ok, I'll fight the one on the right, you get the one in the middle.
Thief>> which 1? their pretty close
Venlo>> Don't worry, they don't link.
Thief>> k
So I ranged attack Jammer Leech John with my crossbow and start running, use a silent oil, and run through a puddle of water; all the while the other thief is trying to fight off Bruce and his linked buddy WHATTHEHELLIMBEINGEATEN. Did I say they didn't link? Oops.
Switch.
Now, a resourceful thief would have hit perfect dodge. A resourceful thief would have used flee and saved his own sorry ass. This idiot was not a resourceful thief.
Dumbass falls to level 63.
Venlo>> Holy shit, dude, are you ok?
Your tell was not recieved. The recipient has deleted his content I.D. and converted to WoW.
Hey, I was right. One less retard in the thief community.
Honestly people, either learn to play your job well with decent gear or get a new damn job.
It's people like this that make the good thieves spend hours upon hours lfp.